


The Female of the Species - Fic

by Anonymous



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, The Red King (original series by me), The X-Files, i forget the rest, neko case being my girlfriend, whatever one amy pond is from
Genre: Bad Bang, F/F, I'll eat your vegetables, Multi, Orgy, Other, Vegetable Love, Vegetables, Weaponized Femininity, a light flavoring of ooc, chixxx is a term of empearment, i don't know 2/3 of these canons anyway, ladies being awesome in theory, sorry artist :(, srsly tho who are these ppl, that's what she said, this joke is dumb and I should feel dumb, undisclosed locations, which is an empowering form of endearment, you deserve better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-20
Updated: 2014-09-20
Packaged: 2018-02-18 02:30:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2331932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Red League, or League of Red Ladies in the archaic form, is an ancient order of red-haired heroines with powerful magic tied powerfully to their sensual natures. In the art there is adventure and violence and stuff but I ran out of time so I mostly did exposition and the part where they all bang b/c i think this is where their primal powerfulness is most importantly represented. plus the artist already illustrated that part to perfection, so just look at the pictures if you want to know what happened between the lines ;D </p><p>w/ever I suck at summaries. . . . . . . . . . . .  just read it!!</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Female of the Species - Fic

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Female Of The Species](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2320424) by Anonymous. 



> Written for Bad Bang II: Bang Backwards!

_My vegetable love should grow_

_Vaster than empires and more slow;_

– andrew marvel

 

 

The first rule of the Red League is do not talk about the Red League. The second rule of the Red League is: wear as many red things as possible so that people will guess you are in the Red League and will be amazed by you without having to actually tell them you are in the Red League.

The third rule of the Red League is: “Redheads stick together in love and war.”

 ```~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

 

The great orgy of celebration had begun. The lost member had been rescued from certain parallel and the Red King and his misogynistic minions beaten back, if not wholey defeated. As Velociraptor clanged the official Red League Cowbell of Unbridled Eroticism, each one of the members of the Red League felt the stirring in the loans that marked the beginning of the most ancient and sacred of the Red League's sacred traditions. Each red-haired woman, dressed for the battlefield in form-fitting fetish gear, felt echoed in their hearts and clitorii the keening cry that brought blistering chills of hotness to the full length of their circulatory and nervous systems :

 

BRING FORTH THE VEGETABLES !!1

 

Donna Nobel, Amy Pond, and the other members of red League clapped their hands giddily yet maturely as the Red League chefs, boxen women whose chefhood was an expression of individual genius rather than of relegation to the kitchen, badass lady chefs whose cooking was not a hobby but a passion, brought out the silver trays of zucchini, cucumbers, carrots, all manner of vegetables both phallic and yonic in shape; mango and banana, O'Keeffan split papaya, other kinds of squashes, melons sliced and round, tomatoes which are totally still a vegetable in the common usage of the word, daikon radishes, eggplants, jicimas, and something called ladyfingers which had no genuine erotic function but were included anyway because the chefs thought it was funny, all of them attractively arranged and accompanied by silver soup tureens brimming with vegetable-based lube in a variety of flavors.

 

Yay! Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of no vegetable-assisted sex, thought Dana Skully, I shall fear no dry spell, for the Red League is with me always.

 

Hearts and lions pulsing, the Red Leaguers peeled each others clothes like sexy banana peels as the formal foreplay stage began. Before the orgy could begin in earnest, an attractive female rhapsode with dark auburn hair sang the song of their great deeds while dressed up as all of them together. Dana thought that her impression of Natasha was especially fetching.

 

Then Hildegarde of Bingen and Catherine of Siena came back to life and composed an empowering and important duet about mystical sex dreams where the sex turened out to be real.

 

Then a famous musician who I can't say who it is sang a secret song composed especially for the Red League because the singer is actually a member of the Red League so if I say who it is her life will be forefiet :( :( :( but if you want a hint it starts with an n and ends with ecocase and in this story she is the girlfriend of the authors who is pledged with an Unbreakable Vow for the protection of her gifts and her person so shhhhhhhhhhhhh ;)

 

Then there were a bunch of other songs and a thing where everyone held hands in a circle and said the names of women in their life that had given them strength and then Velociraptor rang the Cowbell of Unbridled Eroticism and said the most powerful female chant of extreme sexual saturation, the Red Rede. Though the author is forbidden from repeating this sacred song to non-redheads, please accept this substitute of thematically relavant song lyrics for the sake of verisimilitude;

 

_It's not just the physical_

_I'm the type who won't get oh so critical_

_So let's make things physical_

_I won't treat you like you're oh so typical_

 

As they chanted this poweful anciet chant, drums and zithers beat the pulsing blood of the orgy-goers into a frenzy of lustful activity where the thin but throbbing line between vegetable and human, between finger food and finger, between the animal juices and the juices of more conventionally juice-producing organisms, was pulsatingly food-processed into a beautiful oblivion.

 

“I am as wet as an actual pond,” Amy Pond observed.

 

As she writhed oilily amid this healthful yet sexy repast, Dana Sully thought back to a few hours ago when she was first appraised of the mission to save Aveline de Something from the dreaded Red King, a mission which for all they knew in the organmic haze of that celebratory love salad, had been entirely successful. As she cupped Sansa Stark's full or possibly pert and triangular breasts (idk this canon, lol ;0) with an oiled leaf of kale, the non-erotic part of her mind wandered to when the mission began.

 

~~~~~~~** ** ** a flashback starts here ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Danan had been tweezering xenoparasites out of an ailen corpse with her best friend Temperance Bennan when her secret red phone vibrated tantalizingly against her hip. It played the secret emergency Red Code ring tone, “Maneater” by Nelly Furtado.

 

“I don't understand or like popular music,” said Brennan tempermentally.

 

“Natasha?” said Dana skeptically. “What is it?”

 

“There's been a hit,” said Natasha blackly.

 

“Popular music is sometimes referred to as hits,” said Brennan democratically.

 

“Who is that? Dana, are you on speakerphone?”

 

“No,” Dana lied sulkily. “Why would the secret Red League hotline even have speakerphone capabilitys”

 

“Just come to RL Headquarters,” said Nat, and hung up.

 

Then there was a meeting of the Red League in their secret location. The author of this story has been sworn never to reveal the secret location on pain of assassination by the Red League but you will just have to take the author's word for it that it is super cool and bada$$ yet feminine. Dana took a mode of transportation to a really awesome undisclosed geographical feature and knocked on the secret door in the secret Red League knock which obviously also cannot be described for security reasons. In the inner chamber, she changed out of her sedate grey or navy blue suit that she used for alien autopsies and put on her individualized Red League uniform of leather-edged lace tap pants, red and black action bustier, and special custom fishnets where the fishnet holes were in the shape of alien heads.

 

“Looking foxy,” said the main shoe butler lady as she held out a box of different shoes for Dana to select. Dana chose her highest and reddest heels, which were called the Stilletos of Emergency, because something in Nat's voice told her that the situation was even more serious than usual.

 

Her scientific intuition was all too accurate. In the Red Room, almost the entire League was gathered, already dressed for battle in an assortment of empowering clubwear. Dana saw her friend Merida and ran over to her, kissing her on the mouth in the traditional greeting of the Red League, Merida "how are you its been a long time." She said.

 

“Faith and bloody begorrah, mate,” said Merida Scottishly. “Aveline's jurisdiction has been overthrown by the Red King!!”

 

“Red king?” piped Pippi Longstocking. “I didn't vote for him!”

 

“How'd he get to be king?” said Amy Pond amiably.

 

“Using DARK RED MAGIC,” said Velociraptor, who had appeared out of nowhere using the highest concentration of weaponized femininity in the galaxy to empower the very atoms of the room they were in to shake what their honored mothers gave them and make various choices. “The same way he does everything else!”

 

Everyone gasped because as they knew, Dark Red magic was the rare form of dark magic that happened when a red-haired male child was born to a Red Magic practitioner, which happens once every 100000000000 years and is a highly dangerous and patriarchal occurrence. They were about to mobilize and go rescue Aveline but just then Dana, who was a skeptic about magic, said, “How do we know the Red King even exists? There must be a logical explanation for these events.”

 

So they had to wait another 3 hours while Velociraptor showed her a slide show of his crimes and then they watched a video of the time they defeated his takeover of Asgard using eldrich chants that only the red-haired can speak and live and also reminded her that she had met him four times including the three months when he was head of the FBI and replaced all the special agents with Machiavellian shapeshifters from the Andromeda galaxy which was why Dana was working with Temperance brennan in the first place.

 

Dana still wasn't convince but she agreed to help them anyway for abeline's sake, so they loaded up their lipstick grenades and hip sassyfiers and cuteness bombs and shorts with words on the bum and silken pig-pink lassos of truth and hopped into the Red League Invisiblimp to a location the author is unable to disclose for security reasons because tragically [SPOILER] the red King is still at large today. :(

 

[ exciting fight scene goes here]

 

[another exicitng fight scene goes here]

 

“You'll never get rid of me,” cawed the Red King crowingly, like some kind of giant red crow with a human head and a human body and facial hair. “Wherever you go, the power of the Red League will be belittled and diminished, not by my magic, but by mere structural inequities against which your nail polish is powerless.” Then, before they could unleash their nail polish laser system and prove him wrong, he turned in to an actual red crow and flew away, temporariyl defeated by the power of the aforewritten exciting action sequences.

 

``````back 2 the bumpin~~~~~~~~~

 

neway SUDDENLY the symphonious multi-quim mewl of polyvulvular vegetable love was shattered into a much less symphonious cry of alarm as the Red King flew back into the headquarters and turned all of the bodies of the Red League temporarily into the bodies of various boring male leads from popular tv shows.

There was the guy from Supernational and Steve Rodgers and the one who is snarky all the time, and a bunch of other guys who looked just like their tv versions except they all had bright red hair because the red hair gene is itself magic and there fore unaffected by magic.

“Why would you do such a thing?” cried pippi longstocking emoishly, because she is the emo version of Pippi Longstocking in this story.

 

“I'm sorry, u guys,” said Ginny gingerly. “It was me. I told him how to get here if he promised to turn u all into my favorite doods. I thought it would be hot.”

 

“Ginny,” said Dana sternly, whose body had turned into the body of the one guy from Teen Wolf everyone thinks is bi, “your kink is not my kink, and that's ok. But by the same token, I would really rather u had left us alone to enjoy our vegetables in peace with our own bodies.”

 

“It wasn't just Ginny. I helped,” said Aveline avidly. She had turned into the really glowery guy from Game of Thrones, idk if that narrows it down any. “Ginny and I set the whole thing up. Sorry guys, but you have to admit that it is totes hot.”

 

Dana did not feel she had to admit any such thing, but she did concede to herself that as a scientist she was curious about her new form and its capabilites.

 

Velocoraptor, who alone of all the Red League was unaffected by the body transfomation, made a new Red League Rule Number Four, which was “no transforming ppls bodies without their permission in the middle of an orgy” which you would think would already be a rule but the sad truth is, in some ways the Red League is actually a deeply conservative organization. :( It had taken this unfortunate incident to shake up their preconcieved notions enough to make the rule. Then she said anyone who wanted to continue with the orgy while awaiting re-settlement of the phenotype could feel free to do so.

 

Then they all did more sex stuff with their generic dude bodies until the thing wore off. I guess it was hot or whatever if u like that sort of thing, but as for me and my house, we took a secret unbreakable vow on the blood of my fiance neako case that I wouldent write dudeslash under any circs, so u will just have to live with frustration ;) ;)

 

Please NO FLAMES for this highly personal authorial decision!! I know that according 2 gender theory technically they are still women in this scene even though temporarily burdened with non-vegan phalluses and dudelike chestbarrels, but as everyone knows, Unbreakable Vows are a conservative form of magick with many outdated gender hangups and idk if it will break the vow or not so better not risk it ;p

 

~~~~~~~ m/m sex scene here or maybe they just eat the vegetables and do e/others hair who cares lol~~~~~~~~

 

then at the gasping pinnacle of [REDACTED 4 CURSE AVOIDANCE] they realized that they were ALL momentarily the power equivalent of Red Kings b/c of the body transformation, which made them collectively the most powerful magical unit in the universe ever from the beginning of time, so they kicked out the original Red King who was much weaker because he didn't have the combination powers of male and female energies or the power of friendship.

THE END.

And then they got their regular bodies back and had a whole additional celebratiory orgy to celbrate not being boring tv show dudes anymore and my girlfriend wrote a song about it, it's called “This Tornado Loves U.” <3 <3 <3 its also our anniverasry song in this story.

Also Aveline and Ginny were welcomed back into the Red League with open arms and legs and no one had a grudge or was petty or backstabbing b/c thats a stereotype created by the Red King to divide us. They used the powerful Red King magic to fix the all canons to have more f/f/f/f/f/f/f/f/f crossover episodes and to replace all harmful plastic dildos with organically grown substitutes that double as a food source in times of want.

 

THE ACTUAL END

 

thanks for reading! !  R/R please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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